Commemorating National Addictions Awareness Week, November 24 - 30, 2024
From the Beginning
Every story about addiction is unique, and my story is no different.
My name is Ryan Deneault, I'm a Skeetchestn Indian Band member and a fourth-generation British settler in the Interior of British Columbia. I was born in Prince George where my dad was playing pro hockey in the Western Hockey League. Shortly after I was born, my mom and dad moved back to Kamloops. My early childhood was a very happy time. I had wonderful friends growing up. I don’t remember feeling any racism or ever feeling different.
You see, I am a successful result of the Indian Act. I was fully assimilated into Canadian culture. When my father was 5, he lost his father in a CN Railway accident. At that time, my grandmother had four children and was pregnant with the 5th. Having to give up her status as an Indian to receive support from the Federal government resulted in the Skeetchestn Indian Band forcing my grandmother and her children to leave the family ranch. Not only did this result in the family being forced to move away from any reserve but it also denied the family’s ability to stay connected to our Indigenous community and to our culture.
My parents divorced when I was eight years old. My dad really liked to drink, and my mom was unwilling to continue supporting that or being in a codependent relationship. She simply couldn’t support my dad through that period of his life. My mom, brother, sister and I moved to Sahali, and my dad moved back in with my grandmother on Lorne Street which was a really violent place back then. It didn't have the arena like it has today and didn't have all the townhouses. There were a lot of old houses and quite a few drug dealers and aggressive dogs. There were no children around the area, so it was a distinctly different lifestyle when I went to go and visit my dad on the weekends. I remember being terribly sad when I used to have to leave my friends for the weekend and didn't really recognize the importance of spending time with my father.
My mom met my stepfather when I was in grade 4. He used to own the Governor’s Restaurant down at Thompson Park Mall until it shut down. In the mid-80s, it was very difficult to find decent work, so he ended up finding work in Prince Rupert. My mom, stepdad, brother, sister and I were all ready to go until the day before we were to move. My mom sat my sister, brother, and I down and told us that we were old enough to make the decision for ourselves whether we wanted to move to Prince Rupert with them or to stay in Kamloops with my father. My mom asked my sister first and she said she wanted to go with my mom. She asked my brother next, and he chose to go with my mom.
That moment I believe that was the last day of my childhood. I just knew in my heart that my dad would struggle mightily if all three of his children moved that far away. And so, I chose to support my dad knowing full well that I was going into purgatory by moving down to Lorne Street with my grandmother, my uncle and my dad.
The moment I made that decision to stay, my brother decided to follow me and so I had the added guilt and shame of bringing my brother into this level of purgatory that I was moving myself into.
My ‘Kind’
I started going to John Peterson Junior Secondary. I remember the first day walking down the hallway when one of the older students threw me up against the locker and asked what ‘my kind’ were doing in the school. I honestly didn't understand what he meant by that. I learned very quickly that he was degrading me as an Indian. That happened throughout my junior high schoolyears and up and through grade 10.
In the beginning, I was a very shy individual, so I just kind of kept to myself. These were very difficult years. I ended up having one friend who was a few years older than me. He brought me into his circle of friends, introducing me to alcohol for the first time at thirteen years old. Alcohol was like a magic serum, allowing me to be more open. It allowed me to be more social. I interacted with people in such a different way that gave me this liquid courage many people talk about. That was real for me.
After living with my grandmother, dad, and uncle for a couple of years, I decided that I had had enough. My mom and my stepfather had moved to Nanaimo, and I decided to move there too to get away from a lot of the alcoholism and depression that came from living on Lorne Street.
When I got to Nanaimo I was faced with the same racism. Again, an older student threw me against the lockers and said,
“What is your kind doing here? You should be at Barsby Secondary with the rest of your people.”
I was very offended, but didn't do anything about it. I allowed it to happen.
I made the decision then and there that I would learn how to read people so I could become what they needed to accept me. I learned to deflect racism, or I made it humorous so that people would accept me, and it worked. I ended up becoming quite popular in high school. By the time I got to grade 12, I was an alcoholic. I did not recognize it at the time as my peers were drinking heavily as well.
Starting a Family. Living with Addiction
At 19, I had started my career with Costco Wholesale, moving to Kamloops and then Grand Prairie chasing my dream of advancement. I settled down with my first wife and had a child.
I start to notice that when I went to the pub with my friends to watch a sporting event, some of them would have a drink or two, socialize, watch the game, and head home.
That was never the way my night went. If I was having a drink, I was getting drunk.
For various reasons, my first wife and I were unable to make it. We spent a year trying to make it work and were unable to find common ground. This was devastating to me. I never wanted my daughter to experience a split family, and yet here we were.
My wife moved to Kelowna and took my daughter with her. That was a very painful experience. I did not deal with this in a good way. I began drinking more and more until one night a friend of mine invited me to an after party. That night I was introduced to cocaine. I immediately fell in love with that drug. I was able to stay ‘sober’ longer. For some reason, cocaine calmed me. It wasn’t long until that led to regular use. These after parties led to all kinds of different drug use including crack cocaine. I’ve used almost every substance. Thankfully, I never used the needle.
After a few years, I moved to Kamloops and then eventually to Castlegar. There, I became a real estate agent. I’ve always been a good salesman, so I excelled quickly in this new industry. I can tell you that it is not a good thing to be receiving large cheques with very little expenses when you are struggling with misuse. My life was very quickly unmanageable.
At the age of 29 I was forced to have a long hard look at my life. The alcohol, cocaine, and now crack cocaine became unmanageable.
I needed help.
I found an office in Castlegar that helped with addiction. The first time I walked into that office I was told I could be placed in a treatment facility within 4-6 weeks. Anyone that has struggled with addiction will tell you that this is a big miss when trying to get help. For most, placement the day a person is ready to fight this fight is of critical importance.
I was determined.
I showed up at that office at 8:30am, seven days in a row. On the seventh day, my social worker said to me, “so, your serious.” She gave me three options, one of which was an Indigenous focussed facility. It was in that moment I recognized I knew very little to nothing about my Indigenous heritage. I felt like that may be a missing piece in my story, so I decided to take a leap of faith.
Connecting to my Roots on the Pathway of Healing
I was at this centre for 46 days.
For the first time I was exposed to smudging, a sweat lodge, and Indigenous medicine. Although, I didn’t continue these practices once I completed the program and was set free back into society, the seeds were planted.
I was sober for two and a half years.
During this time, I would say I was surviving sobriety. Dog paddling through life without the tools necessary to be triggered and stay healthy.
I eventually moved back to Kamloops where I landed a job managing a tire shop. I began drinking again simply because I didn’t have to tools to be social without being triggered and I was so deeply lonely that it was more painful being sober in this way than it was to start drinking to get my friends back.
I lasted seven years without using drugs.
By the end of my time at the tire shop, I was back in functioning addiction using cocaine and crack cocaine. I was one person during the day and a different person at night, socializing while drinking and snorting cocaine. Then, I would head home and smoke crack cocaine on my own.
I never talked about it.
I felt so much guilt and shame, specifically for using crack cocaine.
A New Start. The Same Old Habits
A friend of mine, Jason, offered me a job working for Acres Enterprises in sales and as a First Nation Liaison. I had no idea what a First Nations Liaison was but after consideration and research, I decided to take a leap of faith. I have always had the ability to jump off the cliff and check for a parachute once in the air, so off I went to work for Acres.
I was there for 11 months and was successful in what I did. It was noticeable to the point where the chiefs of the Skeetchestn Indian Band and Tk’emlups te Secwépemc approached me and asked me to apply as a First Nations Liaison for this new project called Ajax. That began an 8-year career experience like nothing I’d ever encountered.
I had decided to stop using drugs when I took on this role and backed off to only drinking alcohol. As a part of the community engagement team, one of my roles was to entertain community members. I was doing this two to four nights each week. I made myself a deal that I would not drink hard alcohol and keep it to beer only. Beer was 3.5% alcohol, so the idea was that I’d get full before I ever got drunk.
This first ‘brilliant’ decision eventually let to some additionally ‘brilliant’ internal conversations. After about three years, I began getting ‘talked into’ having the odd rye and Coke, then the odd shot. Before I knew it, I was getting drunker and drunker throughout the night. I sat down with myself and thought about what I could do to make sure I stayed reasonably sober while representing Ajax.
Did I think about going back to just drinking beer? Nope.
Did I think about not drinking during these dinners? Nope
What I did think about was if I just used a little bit of cocaine, it would keep me straight enough. This seemed like a great idea at the time.
It did not take long for me to start using crack cocaine starting that cycle of using alone, sitting in shame once again. I functioned like this for the last four years of my job with Ajax.
I Don’t Like Me
Life threw me three additional curve balls.
1) The Ajax project was denied for political reasons. Eight years of blood, sweat, addiction and tears and all it took to shift the decision was a change in provincial leadership. I’m not saying that the project should or shouldn’t be approved. What I am saying is it should be based on science, not politics.
2) I got into a huge fight with my mom. We took a 6-month timeout from one another.
3) I separated with my second wife.
This all happened within a 6-week period. What I recognize today is that I received love and acceptance outside of myself. But at that time, I didn’t even like myself let alone love myself. I received love and validation from the outside world, so when that world crumbled, I did too.
Moving Deeper into Addiction
Over the next 18 months, I had sunk into a drug and alcohol-soaked unconscious state. I gave up. I was living in a motel in downtown Kamloops. No one knew where I was except my mom, and my mom knew I was in trouble. She went to Al-Anon and reached out to different supports in community. Each time she was told to detach from me to allow me to truly hit rock bottom in hopes it would wake me up to the need for help.
She was unable to do that.
She showed up with food and prayed and prayed and prayed. I was at the point of using more than 7 grams of crack cocaine daily and living what I called ‘high tide and low tide’. I would stay high as long as I could and then eat and sleep. I’d wake up in the most excruciating pain until I found my high again.
The Turning Point
On November 3, 2020, at 3 a.m., I snapped out of this semi-conscious state and became completely aware.
I looked around the motel room like it was the first time I had seen it. I spent about five minutes backtracking the last 18 months, not believing my eyes.
It was in this moment that I knew I needed help. Again.
Then the miracles. In my ‘infinite wisdom’, I decided it would be a good idea to detox on my own. Please note that I do not advise doing this and recommend seeking professional help.
On day two of my detox, still in the motel at this point, there was a knock on the door. Remember, no one knows where I am. I look through the peep hole and see my former boss Yves.
Not a chance I am answering the door.
He knocks again. Nope!
Then I get a phone call. Nice try Yves!
Then, there is a soft knock on the door. I look again. It’s the front desk clerk and I am thinking, “Oh no! There might be something wrong with someone I know.”
“Yeah Ryan, you!”
I answer the door, and Yves is standing there behind the front desk clerk. He takes me out for lunch and for the first time in my life, I tell him the truth about my use, except for using crack cocaine. I still have so much shame around that particular use. No one would love me if they knew that about me.
After that day, Yves showed up every day to make sure I was ok. He brought me food, tried to buy me clothes. He really showed up when I needed it.
The Floodgates of Hope Open
In the days ahead, the floodgates opened for me.
Bob Hughes from ASK Wellness was the next to come and see me. He provided me with food and shelter while we figured out what treatment options would be available to me. I had almost completely run out of money. I was days away from being homeless.
I had friends and family show up and then on day four of detox, my friend Jason and his wife Cheryl arrived at my doorstep.
All we did was cry.
The next morning, I received a text from Cheryl. She didn’t know where I was at with my addiction but if ever there was a time when I was ready to fight the good fight, they would be there to support me in whatever capacity was necessary. I decided that I needed to be sober for five more days on my own before I’d entertain their generous offer.
They were the easiest five days of sobriety I’d had since my early teens.
After five days, I went to see Jason and Cheryl. I knew this was a life-or-death situation meaning that I would have to be in treatment for as long as it took.
Addiction is always the result of something else that leaves a hole in our heart. I knew I was going to have to get honest with myself and have a hard look at my past traumas in hopes of unlocking my addictive and numbing behaviours once and for all.
Jason and Cheryl had already talked to my preferred treatment facility about what my needs may be and had put down a deposit for my stay.
They invested in my long-term health and wellness journey.
Sometimes there just aren’t words to explain the support I received to ensure I was able to pick myself up, dust myself off, and move into a healing state of being.
Support of Community
I wonder what would have happened to me if I didn’t have the support of my mom, brother, and sister, plus the friends and colleagues who have supported me in ways that still humble me daily.
What if I didn’t know my family?
What if I was never given a leg up or helping hand?
I would have ended up on the streets. I would have been one of those people many in our communities dismiss and are disgusted by.
I would have never had the opportunity to heal in this way, rising from the ashes and being able to dedicate myself to community in all the different ways I’m blessed to do so today.
I implore you to remember my story the next time you run into someone struggling on our streets. If we take the time to be curious about what has happened to land an individual on the streets of our community, you might have a much different view of the issues we are facing as a society and communities.
I share my story so openly today because I believe we need to start to see and hear those in our communities who are struggling through addiction in a new and different way. We don’t have the answers today and dismissing those who struggle will not help us find the solutions that will benefit us all.
Remember, we heal when we walk together.
Help is Available
If you or a loved one, friend or colleague are experiencing an addiction, please reach out for help. There are social agencies in our communities and region who are here to help you get on the pathway of healing.
A good start is to reach out to the United Way BC’s 211 by:
- Calling 2-1-1 (for emergencies, call 9-1-1 instead)
- Texting 2-1-1
- Or visit www.bc.211.ca
Help is free, confidential, and available 24/7.
Thank you to the partners of Addiction Matters Kamloops for the opportunity to share my story.
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